Missing!

Some time ago a notorious netizen Dr. Amit Sharma reemerged into the social scene after a long period of confinement in the throes of marital bliss. Although his return was an indication of turbulent times ahead, he was still welcomed by most friends without much protest.

Much to everyone's relief, the pain(ful) doctor soon gave up city life and moved to Farmville where he was assigned a small farm and some useless fallow land. With his magical touch and days of drudgery, this land soon bore fruit. The farms turned green, his bank balance soared and he went on to buy more land and build an expensive farmhouse. Gifts started arriving from greedy neighbours hoping for return gifts and soon his farm was full of cattle, horses and baby elephants.

Meanwhile Dr. Sharma continued to do some part time work as a doctor at John Hopkins. For a while he withstood the advancing years, and the strain of indoor and outdoor labor at the farm, night and day, followed by visits to the city for his part time work. Till a few days ago, when he went missing.

We published a couple of posts on this blog trying to lure Dr. Sharma out from oblivion. Given his long track record of never missing an opportunity of passing a sardonic comment at any written or spoken work by the author, we were sure that this would surely draw him out. However, his failure to place a single acerbic comment on these posts has been distressing and we believe that something may be seriously wrong.

Given the gravity of the matter, his friendly neighbour Dr. Deepta Ghate was requested for assistance. Dr. Ghate kindly consented to visit his farm despite the tremendous pressures of motherhood and managing her ( and her husband's) own vast and growing farms and cattle.

In the meanwhile, various rumours are floating around regarding Dr. Sharma's disappearance. Some say that the same is on account of his recently being publicly insulted by a friend who called him "A Good Man". Dr. Sharma did not take this comment too well as it seriously undermines his efforts towards building his impeccable reputation.

Another rumor attributes his disappearance to mis-management of visits by two friends. Both women apparently bumped into each other at his farm! This is however quite a deviation from his immaculate track record and can be ignored. Dr. Sharma has been known to have a One Track Mind and has never been known to go astray.

One theory also talks about a revolt by his farm animals. The animals were upset about being kept in large numbers in a constricted area, with a population density even higher than the Arthur Road Jail briefly inhabited by the legendary Shantaram (see picture). They even protested to various animal rights organizations. But voting rights of Facebook residents are yet uncertain. Due to the political ramifications being uncertain, no animal rights organizations have yet voiced support. It is believed that the animals may have decided to take the matter in their own paws.

While we await Dr. Ghate's return and definitive answers to Dr Sharma's disappearance, we request all you netizens to keep a watch out for Dr. Sharma and pass on any information (or rumours) that you may have on Dr. Sharma's whereabouts.

Near Escape

I am very deeply touched by the unflinching support of certain respectable netizens in these troubled times. They are true friends who have made the utmost sacrifice by not only reading my posts but also explicitly showing their support by placing comments on the same. (Thank you for taking time out from your supreme task of saving the human race, in order to support me in my humble endeavor)

I had been seriously contemplating excusing individuals who comment on my posts, from becoming future victims. However, the presence of certain outstanding individuals, with unnatural mental faculties, in this group has been an eye-opener and I now acknowledge that the idea was quite ridiculous. Given their hyper-active grey cells, Dr. Tarique, Dr. Pankaj and Dr. Maitra seem to have very cleverly figured out my future course of action and taken precautionary measures to protect their interests.

But I am sure most of you would agree that excluding these very special people from my list of future victims would be akin to squandering away God's most precious gift to mankind. And since I do not wish to be accused of such terrible misconduct, I have amended the rule. The rule now is that:

"All NORMAL individuals commenting on my posts shall be excused from being victimized"

"Normal" is however a very subjective term and I reserve sole rights with regard to the definition of the same. Needless to say, the definition shall vary depending on the mood I may be in at a given point of time.

Abnormal behavior, on the other hand, may be highlighted by readers, whose opinions shall be respected and promptly acted upon.

I hope that my ex-boss and current boss understand the risk they have placed themselves at by adding me as a friend on Facebook, given that neither of them is normal by any standards. I am yet to reach a decision regarding their candidature as possible victims, and the same depends on my ability to find something offensive enough to say to them. (Like most bosses,they have been the most genteel creatures I have ever met)

Till next time
Ciao

Breaking News

Milwaukee

Reliable sources have reported that the multi-million dollar claim filed by Dr. Gagan Kumar on account of the damage inflicted on his brand new Mercedes by unknown assailants has just been rejected.

Early reports had assumed this work of art as another masterpiece by the Great artist and many connoisseurs had flocked to his house to look for the wall on which this masterpiece was painted. However, it turned out that Dr. Gagan like many others, had resorted to material attractions. Instead of utilizing his amazing artistic skills or his deftness at digging out decade old pictures (for attracting chicks), Dr. Gagan chose to buy a brand new Mercedes.

We believe that this act should have raised questions regarding his mental state, but sadly it went unnoticed.

When he decided to publish pictures of this work of art for all his lascivious friends on Facebook and then failed to take precautionary measures by not following the "nazar utaro'(NU) act, he deliberately invited the wrath of fate and as we all know, disaster followed.

The Insurance company has therefore decided that the damage inflicted on his car is a result of his own negligence and rejected the claim. It is yet to be seen if Dr. Gagan will take the Insurance Company to Court.

This mental affliction of not following traditions has recently been reported with various prominent netizens and another reported case is that of Dr. Bhagra.

Sources claim that Dr Bhagra has been frequently publishing pictures of his beautiful wife on Facebook for all his friends to see, without following the "NU" act. However, unlike Dr. Gagan's car, Dr. Bhagra's wife seems to be growing more beautiful over the years. Dr. Bhagra has been warned that this may be an aberration and that the ogling of his male friends and the envy of the female ones are dangerous. He has been instructed to follow the "NU" act with immediate effect.

Dr. Bhagra has requested for time to think and will comment on the same after consulting his better half.

In case you are aware of any other cases of willful negligence, please report the same immediately, so that disaster can be averted.

Gonna Write!

I love horror movies. And getting scared. And I believe I would like to share the thrill with my friends. After all sharing is a very integral part of caring.

So I have decided to start writing. I believe that this is the scariest experience I can provide my friends and the thrill of it would keep them coming back for more. At some stage, this might lead to me evolving as a writer and becoming famous. But that is too small a sacrifice for such a noble deed.

My readers may assume one of the following 2 postures after going through my works:

Position 1



Position 2

I believe that 100% of my readers would begin with Position 1, and it would take a lot of hard work on my part to move readers to Position 2. However, I am prepared for this challenge. I shall consider myself successful when I manage to move 67.3% of my readers to Position 2.

Some of you may feel that 67.3% is an adhoc number that I have arrived at. But you are sadly mistaken. After using numerous complicated algorithms and predictive models, I have calculated that this is the number of friends I need to move to position 2, to qualify for one of the most coveted job in the United States of America.

This job has been awaiting an incumbent such as me since 9/11/01. It entails the torture of Al Qaeeda operatives to an extent that no torturers in the past have been able to achieve. With my peculiar writing skills, many believe that I can achieve this previously unachievable feat. I do have a tough road ahead of me, but I am determined to be successful in my endeavors.

Oops! Did I just leak the true objective of my efforts. That's disastrous! But I believe that you are all my true friends and would stand by me in my time of need. And all said and done I DO provide you free of cost thrill that is achievable only on watching an authentic Ramsay Brothers or a Himesh Reshamiya movie. So stay with me and enjoy the ride.

PS - If you feel like pulling out your hair, or throwing up, go ahead. Give way to the urge. It is perfectly normal and most people share these reactions with you. But don't even think about blocking my posts. That may unleash hitherto unknown terrors and there may be no escape thereafter.

Agonizingly yours
Sarika